


youth

by itisjosh



Series: onlypain [13]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Child Soldiers, Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, OUR sadness, Past Character Death, Post-War, i'm sad so you also get to be sad, minor politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: Tommy crouches down at Tubbo's grave, setting the jukebox down next to him. He puts on Cat, leaning back, looking up at the sky."I'm still not over it."(a sequel to "dying light")
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: onlypain [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027711
Comments: 32
Kudos: 236





	youth

Tommy crouches down at Tubbo's grave, setting the jukebox down next to him. He puts on Cat, leaning back, looking up at the sky. 

"I'm still not over it."

Tubbo's grave is located in a beautiful spot. There are huge, weeping willow trees that hang over the headstone. Birch trees are scattered around, with a couple massive redwoods around. Flowers are absolutely _everywhere_ , and there's a pool of water that's completely clear, right next to his grave. Bees absentmindedly fly around, buzzing softly, landing on roses and daisies. It's been about three years since Tubbo's died, and Tommy still can't get over it. 

Everyone told him that it would get easier with time, that time would dull the pain. That he'd eventually look back on Tubbo's name and laugh, that he'd be happy. He isn't. They're all fucking liars, and Tommy's stopped believing them. He doesn't have a lot of people left, and he can't even trust the ones he does have. Tubbo's grave is a simple stone buried in the ground with his name on it. Tommy finds it hard to believe that Tubbo's body is directly under the ground in front of him. In a way, he _is_ talking to Tubbo. Tubbo just won't ever respond to him, and he never will. 

Tommy was angry at first. He was so angry that he couldn't do anything, that he let Tubbo die in his arms. That instead of making Tubbo stay in bed, he let his best friend drag him to their bench to watch the sunrise for the last time. He knows, deep down, that it wasn't his fault. He couldn't have done anything to stop him. Tubbo wouldn't have let him, and they both knew damn well that he was dying. Tommy didn't want to accept it, so he refused to, he wouldn't. Tubbo had accepted death the moment Techno stabbed him through the chest. 

Techno isn't even alive anymore. Wilbur is dead, Phil stabbed him. Tommy watched all of his brothers die, he watched every single fucking one of them die. If he had a choice to choose his brothers or Tubbo, he would choose Tubbo. He doesn't even have to think about it, he would choose Tubbo every single time. Wilbur and Techno have their own graves in the actual graveyard, their names and titles embedded in the stone. Tubbo didn't have a title. Well, he did. He was the President of L'manberg, even if it was for just a few moments. Wilbur's been dead for a long time now. Techno only died a few months ago, and it was because Quackity and Fundy snuck up on him.

They didn't even give him a fair fight. 

Tommy doesn't know if he's happy about that. He doesn't know if he should be angry or sad, he doesn't _fucking know_. Techno was his brother! But Techno _killed_ Tubbo, he fucking _killed_ him, and he didn't even..he wasn't sorry. Tommy can't forgive him. Not until he himself is dead. When he's dead, and if there's an afterlife, he's going to have a long fucking conversation with his brother.

"There's not much left for me here," Tommy murmurs, dragging his knees up to his chest as he stares down at Tubbo's grave. "I've got no obligation to stay here, other than you," he snorts. "I know that you wanted to be buried here, so I'm not gonna dig you up. I'd like to," he mutters. "I don't want to be here anymore. I don't have any good reason to live in L'manberg. The only reason I'm staying is because of you," Tommy snorts. "If you could hear me, you'd tell me to leave. But I can't, 'cause then I wouldn't have you. I can't go somewhere that doesn't have you. Even if _you_ is just a headstone."

Tommy leans back, the grass uncannily soft. He doesn't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, that's definitely Tubbo's doing. "The bees are okay. They like to stick by your grave. I think they know. You named them some dumb shit, you know?" Tommy smiles weakly. "Spinz 2.0 and Spoonz 2.0? What kind of bullshit names are those?" He jokes, even if it falls flat. Even if Tubbo can't even hear him. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, his chest aching. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it. You know I didn't, but I need to say it anyways. I don't want to be the President, Tubbo. I don't want to be the President anymore. I don't have a reason to be."

"I'm not doing it for Fundy or Eret or Quackity, I'm..I'm not even doing it for Phil. I might as well just pass on the Presidency to fuckin'..Phil, I guess. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm the President, I can..I can make someone else do it, right? God, Tubbo, you would've been such a good President. You _were_ such a good President, and you weren't even there for long. I'm so tired of this," Tommy whispers. "I can't do this without you, big man. And I know that I have been, but that's only 'cause you would've been mad at me if I didn't."

"Not like I care," Tommy smiles. "You're dead. You can't be mad at me 'cause you're not alive. But..I like to think that you are. Wilbur knows that I don't want to talk to him. He's given up on talking to me. You know, he doesn't even remember what he did, did I tell you that? He's got no fucking clue what he did. He doesn't know that he destroyed L'manberg, that he got my, our, dad to kill him. He doesn't remember it. He remembers Niki, he remembers Techno and him, he remembers me growing up, he remembers Fundy growing up. He remembers _dying_ , but he doesn't know how he died. I'm so angry, Tubbo," Tommy pauses. "I hate him. I hate him so much. If he hadn't fucking put so much pressure on me, I could've.."

Tommy breathes out, closing his eyes. "We never should have been here, Tubbo. I'm nineteen now, you would've been nineteen, too. Obviously, you know that. But back then, Tubbo, we- we were _kids_. We were fuckin' child soldiers, you know that? We were kids! And everyone expected us to fight in their wars. You were only sixteen when you died. You were sixteen when you got handed the Presidency. We were barely sixteen when the first war started, weren't we? I think I was fifteen when it officially started, but I had my birthday then. And we couldn't even celebrate it since we were fighting for our lives."

"Do you know how fucking ridiculous that is?" Tommy looks down at Tubbo's grave, watching as the grass and flowers wave in the breeze. "We were kids. We should've never been involved. And Wilbur just..he decided to make you President? God, Tubbo, don't get me wrong, you were a great President. But you were a fucking kid. A teenager, whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm so sick of this," Tommy breathes out, feeling his throat seize up. He doesn't want to cry, but he thinks it's going to happen. "We fought their wars for them, and they didn't even have the decency to stick around. They were allowed to die and forget, and we fucking weren't." 

He chokes out a sob, burying his head in his knees. "I miss you, Tubbo. I miss you. I'm not going to leave L'manberg since you're here, but I really, really hate this place," Tommy cries for a few moments, listening to Cat fade out in the background. He stands up after a minute or so, heaving a sigh. He wipes the tears away from his eyes, sniffling. "I'm gonna go. I love you, Tubbo." 

Tommy turns, walking away from Tubbo's graveyard, leaving his broken heart there for the next time he comes to visit. 


End file.
